Book Twenty-Four

Thetis goes to see her son and tells him Zeus expects
him to return to Priam Hector's body, he accepts
Iris visits Priam, and the old king is persuaded
To take Achilles treasures for which Hector can be traded
He must go to the Argives' camp with just one other man
Zeus sends down an eagle to prove this is a good plan
Hermes helps them get into the camp, the sentries sleep
Priam begs Achilles for his son's corpse, both men weep
Achilles gets the body and lets Priam take it back
He promises for twelve days the Achaeans won't attack
Hector can be buried in a way that brings him glory
And so, with Hector's funeral, it's time to end this story!

Book Twenty-Three

The Myrmidons mourn Patroclus and burn him on a pyre
A hundred foot of timber and twelve Trojans set on fire
Once Patroclus is in his tomb, Achilles then devises
A range of competitions to win fabulous prizes
Chariot racing, boxing, wrestling, running, throwing spears
The chariot first prize includes a tripod which has ears
Diomedes is champion, once off Eumelos stumbles
Antilochos comes second, but Menelaus grumbles
Antilochos concedes "all right, you take the prize, my friend"
But Menelaus says that he can keep it in the end
Epeios wins a jenny as the victor of the boxing
The prize for wrestling is a giant tripod worth twelve oxen
Odysseus and mighty Ajax wrestle to a draw
Then in the foot race, Oileus' son Ajax hits the floor
Athene trips him, so Odysseus can win a bowl
Diomedes beats Ajax in a fight, a sword the goal
Polypoites wins some iron with a massive throw
And people laugh when Epeios attempts to have a go
Meriones and Teukros have an archery contest
The former wins some axes, as his shooting is the best
Agamemnon gets the prize for javelin with no throws:
he's easily the best at it as everybody knows

Book Twenty-Two

Priam begs his son to come and help defend the walls
"Hector, won't you think of me, what happens if Troy falls
Everyone will die and I'll be eaten by my hounds!"
But Hector is unmoved and stays outside the city bounds
He plans to stand and fight, but when Achilles gets too near
He looks so strong and furious that Hector gets the fear
He seeks escape and runs away, Achilles giving chase
Three circuits around Troy they run, get back to the same place
Until Athene goes to speak to Hector in disguise
Persuades him he should fight Achilles, with some clever lies
Achilles stabs him in the throat, the stricken Hector pleads
"Return my body to my father" as to death he bleeds
"You killed my friend" replies Achilles "I'm consumed by hatred
I won't return your body for I wish to desecrate it!"
He ties it to a chariot and drags it around Troy
The Trojans bitterly lament, the Argives jump for joy

Book Twenty-One

Achilles drives the Trojans into the Xanthos water
Lykaon begs him "let me go, I really think you ought to!"
Achilles says "before Patroclus death, I'd grant such wishes
But now I'm going to kill you" and he feeds him to the fishes
Xanthos is unhappy, to Achilles does complain
"You're filling me with corpses - go and fight upon the plain"
Achilles almost drowns, he cannot fight the river's flow
Hephaistos burns the river till it lets Achilles go
The remnants of the Trojan army get back through the door
While Achilles tries to chase vanishing Agenor
Who bravely tries to stand and fight, Apollo helps him hide
Achilles is distracted and the Trojans get inside

Book Twenty

The gods are all assembled too, and mighty Zeus declares
his ban is over, they can now take part in men’s affairs
Down to the field of battle the gods make their descent
But they mostly fight each other which is not quite what Zeus meant
To fight Achilles, Aeneas is stirred up by Apollo
He’s not sure this is good advice but nonetheless he’ll follow
He finds Achilles, tells him of his ancestry at length
His great-great-great-great-great grandfather’s Zeus, this gives him strength
Achilles, though, is stronger, and Aeneas would get killed
Except Poseidon rescues him before his blood is spilled
Achilles now seeks Hector, tries to hit him with his spear
But every time, Apollo’s fog makes Hector disappear
This makes Achilles angrier, he’s really seeing red
He can’t find Hector so he kills some other men instead

Book Nineteen

Achilles gathers all the men together and proclaims
"The feud is over, I will fight!" while Agamemnon blames
it all on Zeus, "I had no choice, the gods can cause such rifts"
Achilles will still get the tripods, girls and other gifts
Odyssesus suggests that before fighting, they should feast
Achilles isn't hungry, not with Patroclus deceased
"Men still must eat" the silver-tongued Odysseus replies
"We'd starve to death if we went hungry each time someone dies
We need to eat and drink to give us strength to fight all day”
Achilles still would rather start the fight, but says OK
He still declines to eat, and so Athene feeds him nectar
To give him all the energy he'll need to combat Hector.

Book Eighteen

Antilochus tells Achilles of his best friend's demise
He lays himself down in the dust and tears his hair and cries
His mother Thetis sees her son is visibly upset
She goes to see him, asks "Achilles, what's the matter pet?
Has not Zeus ensured the Argives lose, just like you said?"
"Yes, but Mummy I don't care, cos Patroclus is dead.
I have to go and fight now, killing Hector is my quest."
"Very well dear, if you like, but first you should get dressed!
I'll go and see Hephaistos, who will make you some new gear
And in the meantime don't do something silly, just wait here."
Meanwhile Hector's still trying to grab Patroclus' feet
The Ajaxes make him let go, but can't make him retreat
Iris goes to Achilles, and asks him for his aid
He says "I have no armour, I must wait till some is made"
"You don't have to fight" says Iris "just stand up and shout"
He does, twelve Trojans fall upon their spears, it is a rout
Polydamas suggests that they should go defend the city
Hector, though, rejects this sound advice, which is a pity
Thetis finds Hephaistos making tripods on gold wheels
"My son needs some new armour, will you make it?" she appeals
He makes the armour, and a shield, with many decorations
People, gods and animals, but sadly, no crustaceans

Book Seventeen

From the fallen Patroclus the armour Hector strips
But Ajax tries to get the corpse to take back to the ships
Hector falls back, but Glaukos scowls “What? Have you run away?
Then don’t expect my Lykians to fight another day!”
“Me?” says Hector “run away? Do not be so deranged!
I just won some new armour so I came back to get changed.”
Round Patroclus’ body now the battle once more rages
Ajax and Hector, others too, they seem to fight for ages
Till Menelaus and Meriones get the body back
And take it to the ships while Ajax holds off the attack

Book Sixteen

Ajax is forced from the ships by Hector clad in bronze
But who’s this to the rescue? Here come the Myrmidons!
Achilles has released his men to take part in the drama
To Patroclus, he’s even lent his helmet and his armour
The tide of battle turns once more, much Trojan blood is spilled
by Patroclus, and Sarpedon, the son of Zeus, is killed
The Trojans are in full retreat, back to their city wall
Until Apollo intervenes, he will not let Troy fall
Apollo strikes at Patroclus, knocks off his head protector
He’s wounded by a javelin and finished off by Hector.

Book Fifteen

Zeus awakes, and sees Poseidon fighting, Hector hurt
“Hera! This is all your fault! You’ll get your just dessert!”
“Who me?” says Hera sweetly, “now you’re being quite absurd
I would have told Poseidon that he should obey your word.”
“Alright”, says Zeus, “but nonetheless, the story’s gone off course
Hector needs to lead the Trojans to the ships and force
Patroclus to join the fight, slay Sarpedon, then die
At the hands of Hector – which will make Achilles cry
He will rejoin the battle, and kill Hector, win great glory
Later, Troy itself will fall – but that’s another story.”
Iris is sent to tell Poseidon he must quit the fight
“It’s so unfair! I am his brother! Oh, go on, alright.”
Apollo visits Hector, whose strength he does restore
Now Hector and Apollo, with Zeus’ aegis, go to war
The Trojans reach the Argive ships, to burn them is their goal
Only Ajax holds them back, he wields a twelve-foot pole.

Book Fourteen

Hera has a cunning plan by which she’ll distract Zeus
For if her husband sleeps then this will set Poseidon loose
With the god’s assistance the Achaeans could then win
So she bathes in fine ambrosia and oils her lovely skin
She gets a patterned Zone from Aphrodite for her breasts
Persuades the god of Sleep to see her husband while he rests
When Zeus sees his wife he becomes crazy with desire
“Oh lovely Hera! I must have you! My heart is on fire!
I want you more than anyone I’ve seen in all my life
More than Danae, or Demeter, or Ixion’s wife
More than Phoenix’ daughter, who I twice impregnated
More than Alcmene, Semele, other girls I’ve dated
More even than Leto, and she was quite a sight!”
So they make love, Zeus sleeps, and now Poseidon joins the fight
Ajax injures Hector with a boulder in the chest
Without their leader, now the Trojan line is sorely pressed
Many Trojans now are killed, they flee towards their wall
It’s Ajax (son of Oileus) who kills the most of all
Not to be confused with Ajax who’s Telamon’s son
He’s the mighty warrior, this is the small, quick one.

Book Thirteen

Inspired by Poseidon, the Greeks form a wall of shields
With Ajax in the centre, he’s a man who never yields
Meriones breaks his spear, and goes to find a spare
While at the tents, his king Idomeneus spots him there:
“Oy! Meriones! I hope you’ve not run away in fear!”
“Not I” says Meriones “I’ve just come to find a spear”
“Right” the king replies “I have five or six of those
I took them from my enemies, when I had slain my foes!”
“Indeed” says Meriones ,”I broke my spear fighting, too
I suppose we’d better go rejoin the battle”. So they do.

Book Twelve

The Argives’ ditch is filled with spikes, no horse can get across
An eagle drops a snake, does this portend a Trojan loss?
Polydoumas suggests so, but Hector won’t agree
“Zeus told me that we’re going to win, so come on, follow me!”
The fighting rages at the gates, round the Achaean wall
Ajax leads the Greek defenders, many brave men fall
Then Hector hefts a massive stone, and smashes through the door
Could this be the moment that the Trojans win the war?

Book Eleven

Agamemnon dons his armour, ready for the fight
Marauding through the Trojan ranks, a terrifying sight
But then he gets a spear wound, initiative now slips
Hector leads a counter charge towards the hollow ships
Paris shoots Diomedes, an arrow through the foot
Odysseus is injured too, it seems the Trojans could
achieve a crushing victory, but Ajax still holds firm
“Paris! You’re a coward! Fight me properly, you worm”
roars the enraged Diomedes, but he must now retreat
Eurypylos is also hurt, it’s looking like defeat
Achilles sends Patroclus to find out what’s going on
“Who’s that who’s injured” he asks Nestor “Is it Machaon?”
Yes, says Nestor: “we need you to help us, bring your men,
and ask your friend Achilles if perhaps he’ll think again”

Book Ten

Agamemnon’s worried what could happen the next day
And can’t decide if they should stay and fight, or sail away
He wakes up all his leading men to meet and have a chat
They need a spy, Diomedes says “OK, I’ll do that”
He takes Odysseus, and goes to learn the Trojan plan
But outside in the darkness they can hear another man
Hector has sent Dolon out to spy upon the Greeks!
He’s captured and persuaded he’ll be alright if he speaks
“Hector’s holding council, but the camp’s unguarded, so
Thracian horses aren’t protected, now will you let me go?”
“Sorry”, says Diomedes “We’re safer if you’re dead”
And so he gets his sword out and he lops off Dolon’s head.
The camp’s unguarded, men asleep – what will the heroes do?
They kill some Thracians in their beds and steal the horses too.

Book Nine

Agamemnon’s losing heart, suggests it’s time to flee
Nestor and Diomedes, though, strongly disagree
Nestor says “The problem is, Achilles is not here
Abducting Briseis was really not your best idea”
Atreus’s son admits this: “I suppose I really ought to
return Briseis to him, plus I’ll let him wed my daughter
I’ll give him seven tripods and a load of other treasure –
I’ll give him seven Lesbians – now that should bring him pleasure!”
So to Achilles, five men, led by Phoenix, now appeal
Still mad at Agamemnon, he refuses, says “No deal!”
Phoenix tries persuading him, by telling him a story
That he’ll end up fighting and to do so now would bring more glory
Ajax sees he won’t be moved and says “Come on, let’s quit
We offered seven Lesbians! Did he not hear that bit?”

Book Eight

Zeus forbids the other gods from joining in the fight
Then fires a pair of lightning bolts to put the Greeks to flight
They turn and flee in panic, to their camp they all run back
The Trojans are pursuing, Hector leading the attack
Athene begs to help the Greeks, but Zeus will not be moved
Still, Agamemnon rallies them, morale is much improved
Tykros, Ajax’ brother, kills eleven on his own
Shoots them down with arrows, ‘til he’s felled by Hector’s stone
Although the Greeks have managed to retreat behind their wall
The outlook for the battle isn’t looking good at all

Book Seven

Hector halts the battle and tells the Achaeans: "Choose
a champion to fight me man to man, I'm sure he'll lose"
Without Achilles, there's no Greek who is as strong as Hector
And so they use a lottery as champion selector
Hector will face Ajax, tallest of Achaean lords
They fight with spears, they fight with stones, they're going to fight with swords
But Idaios the herald interrupts, cries "Stop the fight!
It's getting dark, it's time to stop, we can't go on all night."
Both sides agree to have a break and gather those who fell
So they can burn the bodies; the Greeks build a wall as well.

Book Six

Diomedes and Glaukos meet, one now must soon be dead
but no, they stand and chat about their ancestors instead.
Hector makes a sacrifice to Athene, and pleads
For Zeus' daughter to no longer help Diomedes
While he's in Troy, he orders Paris to rejoin the fray
Then goes to see his wife, and she implores him "Won't you stay?"
Hector says "Andromache, I wish I could, my beauty
But I must go and lead the fight against the Greeks, it is my duty."

Book Five

Diomedes is raging, with Athene's help he's mighty
He kills Pandaros, other Trojans, injures Aphrodite
And even fights Apollo, who decides to get some aid
Invites the warlike Ares to wield his mighty blade
Diomedes falls back: it is one thing to fight men
But nobody fights Ares and comes back to fight again!
Athene, though, will help him, she has got other ideas
Encourages him back to the fight, and Ares now he spears
Ares back on Olympus, whines "Dad! Look what they've done"
But Zeus says, "Well, I'd kill you too if you were not my son."

Book Four

The gods dispatch Athene to cause trouble once again
Menelaus is shot by Pandaros, but is not slain
The Greeks are sorely angered, now the battle can begin
Swords are flying, men are dying, who is going to win?

Book Three

Hector tells his brother “Oh just get out of my sight,
This war is all your fault and now you’re too afraid to fight!”
Paris, feeling guilty, does admit that’s only fair
“I’ll take on Menelaus in single combat, I don’t care,
Whoever wins keeps Helen, while the loser will be dead
The rest of you won’t need to fight and can be friends instead.”
The challenge is accepted, but Menelaus is strong
Although his weapons break he’ll surely win before too long
There’s no chance feeble Paris can still triumph in this bout
So Aphrodite intervenes and spirits Paris out
The Greeks think this is cheating, Agamemnon bellows “Hey!”
While Helen asks her lover “What happened? Are you OK?”
Paris says “I am now, though I almost wound up dead
It really turned me on though. Come on, let’s go to bed.”

Book Two

Agamemnon has a dream: attack and Troy must fall!
The Greeks have got a lot of ships, and Homer lists them all.

Book One

Achilles is unhappy and he’s sulking in his cave
To prove he is a hero and to prove that he is brave
But just in case the other Greeks could win without his help
He summons up his mother, a sea goddess, from the kelp
“Mummy”, whines Achilles, “Go have a word with Zeus,
Tell him to help the Trojans and make sure the Greeks will lose”

Making the Iliad what?

Over about a month, I read a book of the Iliad each day, and then summarised it in rhyming couplets. These were originally written for my girlfriend, upon whose insistence I was reading the Iliad in the first place, but I mentioned this project to various other people, and thought I should put the results somewhere in case anyone wants to read them.

I'll try and post one each day most days, although there will probably be some weekend days when I'm not at a computer.

The whole thing is 3000 words long so it's best read in instalments.

The books vary in length from two lines (book 2, the catalogue of ships) to twenty-two lines (books 18 and 23).

At some point, I will probably have to make the Odyssey rhyme too...